Jul. 1st, 2009 01:39 pm
bronwynrh: (Eskimo Kiss)
I want to be a stay-at-home mom for a year. Here I sit, trying to pull words out of the air and cringing at the thought of how many more words I need to find and how many forms I need to complete in the next two months, all in the name of begging the NIH to give us $6m pretty please. All for a project that, thanks to the FDA, will take at least three more years - at least! - to come to fruition.

That's a long time to be waiting for the big payoff while my children grow without me. That's a lot of missed milestones, giggles, tickles, songs.

I'd rather be nesting - our house still doesn't feel like home for me, it's a mess and the project list is overwhelming. I'd rather be holed up in my craft room, sewing and knitting and learning how to create all the things that are dancing in my head. I'd rather be playing with the boys. I'd rather be hanging with my mom.

There's never enough time or energy left for the things I want to do - the things that will make me a better mom, a better wife, a happier me.

Mom often tells me to enjoy what I have and stop wishing for what I can't. I try, but always wind up right back here with the pit in my stomach, clenched jaw and stinging eyes. I'm 32 years old, unfulfilled, and feel my time slipping away, wasted on treading water and bare maintenance.
bronwynrh: (Default)
to vote for Ron Paul: see hier

ETA: Make that two reasons.

In other news, I'm tired because my son refuses to sleep through the night and because I'm staying up too late to do crafty or wifely things.

In other other news, I'm going to another craft fair this Saturday. It's the first such show for this church in La Grange, so I'm not optimistic, but I am hopeful.

In yet other news, I finally have a 'net presence. Check out Lizzypops. I only had time last night to put up four items, but I'm planning to put up a half-dozen more or so tonight. It's exciting to see how many views I've already had - although all of them happened between 10:30 last night and 6:30 this morning. There's only been one more today so far... I guess the overnight hours are the best time to shop for baby clothes?!?
bronwynrh: (hello)
Goodness me. This has become an all-mommy all-the-time journal.

I had occasion the other day to dig through my archives, on the hunt for migraines-tagged entries for someone who inquired about them. What I found were, well, great things. I used to be quick and witty, insightful and fun. They were fun for me to read, anyway. YMMV

I miss it, you know, having a brain. I miss the feeling of having only stresses of my own making. They were my migraines, my battles with the bacteria, my encounters with The Wall and Joey and the kid who thought a fire extinguisher was the answer to a flaming jar of ethanol. Everything was simple, even when the computer ate my prelim. exam and my committee failed me.

I ate when I wanted to - or didn't, depending on the migraine prophylactic du mois! - I slept when I wanted to. I could spend a whole Sunday in my bathrobe, reading the paper and sipping coffee in bed. Oh, the hedonism!

This isn't a complaint, mind you, not really. This is merely an observation of how struck I am by the changes in my life.

For the first time, I don't have time to myself - or, rather, what time I have comes at a premium and is relegated to the off-hours of the day - but I am finally making use of that time to be creative and to produce. What's that old line about not appreciating something until it's gone? Waste not, want not? Now that I have no time, I'm using what time I can scrape together and maybe, just maybe, tomorrow I'll have something to show for it.

Ok, a finished afghan for Jeff or a quilt for Samuel is (or will be) nice, but taking what I've made and putting it out there for somebody else to judge and (I hope) pay for... well that's a whole other ball of wax. Will I crash and burn, or is this going to be the start of something big? Another major change in my life? My ticket out of the workaday world?

My mind is swimming with ideas and I'm anxious to have that first validation. That first hint that maybe I can do this after all.

After tomorrow's sale I'm giving myself permission to go back to working on my projects for the family. Jeff's afghan and Samuel's bedroom will come first, then Samuel's quilt and baby clothes, my cross-stitch projects (I miss them terribly) and - oh! so many ideas for other projects. I absolutely must finish what I've started. What's amazing to me is the thought that I may actually do it. There's a job, a house, four pets, a husband and (last but really first) a baby to care for, but somehow I'm managing to get in front of that sewing machine, to take the needle in hand.

Maybe this sudden push to pursue my creative dreams is my way of reaching back to grab some of that hedonism I took for granted, of holding onto my Self.

How's that for a good old-fashioned self-absorbed journal entry? No baby talk! Wow!
bronwynrh: (Default)
This vintage fountain pen set is absolutely gorgeous!

All for the low, low price of $590.

bronwynrh: (Default)
Ok, cross your fingers, I've just begun the experiment. Again. Heh. Here's hoping that everything goes smoothly. I need the equipment to hold up for a full week, running 24 hours a day.

I'll be gathering approximately 1.5-2.5GB of data (image gathering) every 24 hours starting tomorrow, for 7 days.

And then of course there's the data analysis and the image processing to go with it.

mmmmm yeah. . . I have my work cut out for me.

A PI had the gall to come by yesterday to ask me to do him a favor and, when I told him I was going to be too busy to organize a lunch for a visiting speaker next Tuesday because of my experiment, said my excuse was a feeble one. *Gawk* Exsqueeze me?

Ok, so I also didn't want to do the favor but, I AM going to be in the 'scope room from 11-3 on the day in question. I think that precludes my taking your speaker to lunch, don't you? *rolls eyes*

It's all right, he has no idea what it is I'm doing or how it works and technically I *could* push my experiment and 15 GB of data aside for a 2 hour social call and hope against hope that somebody else hasn't already signed up for the 'scope time behind me, but why should I?

I shouldn't, and I didn't.

So there :-)

I have so many other things on my "to do" list here in the lab and I haven't had the wherewithal to get to many of them. Well, I've given a couple of them a shot, but failed on the first couple of tries. That isn't to say I'm too discouraged to try again, it's just the usual case of too many priorities.

I'd like to go on a real vacation. Go to some place I've never been, stay in a hotel with some friends, see a play or two, eat out, drink a little, play a lot. . . sleep. . . But I want to go on this vacation after I've got this paper out.

Of course, this vacation can't really happen because I don't have any money. So perhaps I'll have to come up with a modified vacation plan. If I even have the time. *sigh*

I'll just keep dreaming.

Yay Me!

Sep. 18th, 2002 08:33 am
bronwynrh: (Default)
So I'm in week 2 of my pursuit of marginal fitness. I've given up on Cindy Crawford (or rather, my knees gave up on her) and I've moved on to the NAC System's Body Parts video.

A nice, moderate-level workout that takes just over 30 minutes and gets me going in the morning. Legs, buns, chest, arms and abs all get their 7 minutes of fame. After just a short amount of time, I can actually tell that I'm getting a little better at it. I can't see any differences in the mirror yet, but that takes time, and I'm learning to be patient.

Makes for an early morning, though. I get up at 6 (or as close to that as I can muster, my bed is so darned comfy in the morning), take care of a couple of hygienic matters, then work out. Then it's into the shower, get dressed, put on my face and drink
(yes, drink) my breakfast before zipping out to the car to get a primo parking space.

She's trying to get in shape, you say, yet she drives to campus?

Yes, I drive to campus. But right now, only on alternate days. I figure, MWF I can work out and drive, TTh I can walk. If I can stick it out with this sort of routine, I just may get myself back to some semblance of shapely fitness.

But now, it's off to the mail room - It's Wednesday. Around here, Wednesday is also known as DONUT DAY!!!!

Hey. All I had for breakfast was a Carnation Instant Breakfast mix in SKIM milk. My metabolism should be able to take care of glazed twist, no problem.

Yeah. That's what I'm telling myself, anyway.


bronwynrh: (Default)

February 2012

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